I have been spending my holidays lazing on my bed & out catching up with my friends. It comes to a stage when I ask myself if that's how I want to spend the rest of my summer.
My answer is a resounding no.
It's not that I do not enjoy these catch up sessions. In fact, they are very precious to me because I want to know what's going on in their lives. But I thought I could spend my holidays doing something more productive, something that would benefit the others as well. I find that that will bring me much more gratification because whatever I do don't just impact me, but somebody else's life too.
I find that my life is bland and meaningless. I need to find a purpose in life. For the past 20 years, I haven't been spending time wisely. I regret not bothering to know others better and not sharing with others more of my time. I've had too much of a "me" time (which I honestly enjoy a lot). I feel that I do not have a lot of achievements. Achievements do not specifically refer to academic excellence or anything tangible, material. I am wishing that my life consists more intangible achievements like friendships or other relationships or experiences that allow me to learn more about this world, to become a better person.
However, at the same time, I think that I'm too selfish a person to even learn & better myself to become someone whom I can really be proud of.
We all like to act like it's all calm & peaceful on the surface when factually the undercurrents are raging violently beneath. We all have our secrets don't we; a common secret: you think you're one of the few who are experiencing it but the truth is everyone probably have the same issue with themselves, but to different extents of course.
I am extremely troubled and unsatisfied with my materially-good-spiritually-poor life.
Living is more than surviving. To me, the extra dimension is the interpersonal relationships. I do not believe that one can feel accomplished if the entire "project" only involves the interests of oneself only.
Sometimes I wonder why I resist my tiredness and the urge to sleep. I refuse to sleep. It may be because I feel that I haven't done anything deserving/meaningfully exhausting to let my body rest.
I need to lead a more enriching life. I am a workaholic. I cannot accept the fact that I'm not spending my days so unproductively although I think that some days ought to be spent unproductively to keep us sane.
What the shit. I don't even know why I am doing some things. Like exercising. I think I'm exercising so that I'll be skinnier & supposedly look better rather than genuinely wanting to keep myself healthy. The heck? This shouldn't be my motive. I am so damn superficial. I am such an empty shell. I spend too much of my time caring about my looks, my weight and my stupid purple hair.
Why do I even do such disservice to myself since all these would only attract people to eventually learn that I am empty on the inside? It's time to fill myself up.
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